Parenting
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will
not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6)
A gardener gave
a seedling to his friend, an orange grower. "Consider this a gift," he
said. An orchestra conductor presented a package to her favorite cellist.
"Just because I appreciate your work," she told her. An artist
thanked a plumber for his neighborliness by giving him a present, too. And so
the orange grower, the cellist and the plumber unwrapped their gifts.
The orange
grower planted the seedling, anticipating oranges. After all, that’s what he
did – he grew oranges. So this must be an orange-tree-to-be. But the seedling
sprouted into bushy, clustered branches. The orange grower couldn't coax a
single orange out of that plant. He gave it orange-tree fertilizer, and sprayed
it with orange-tree bug spray. He even poured orange juice on the soil to
encourage the seedling’s growth. But no oranges. Tomatoes, yes. But oranges,
no. He felt like such a failure. The cellist empathized. She’d expected a
cello. And she was close. The large package contained a musical instrument,
alright – an accordion. So, she treated the accordion like a cello, setting the
base on the floor, and running her bow across the keys bellowed on her lap. She
made a noise, but it wasn’t music. She was less than enthused. As was the
plumber. He expected a gift of wrenches and pipe tape, but he was given brushes
and a palette, instead. Puzzled, he set out to repair a leaky pipe with his new
tools. But a palette doesn’t open valves, and brushes don’t seal joints. So, he
painted the plumbing and grumbled. The repair was pretty but ineffective.
The orange
grower raised the tomatoes, but preferred oranges. The cellist made sounds, but
not music. The plumber painted the pipe, but didn't fix it. Each assumed the
gift would be what they knew rather than what the giver gave. Similarly, each
year God gives millions of parents a gift, a brand-new baby. Parents tend to
expect oranges, cellos and plumbing tools. Heaven tends to distribute tomatoes,
accordions, and paint supplies. So moms and dads arrive at a crossroad: making their
children in their own image, or releasing their children to follow their
God-given identities.
As parents, we
accelerate or stifle, release or repress our children's giftedness. They will
spend much of their life either benefiting or recovering from our influence. And
as parents, who has a greater chance of helping our children live their purpose
than we do? But will we? Do we? God's Word urges us to. Listen closely to this
maternity-ward reminder: "Train up a child in the way he should go, and
when he is old he will not depart from it." (Prov. 22:6) Be careful with
this verse, though. Don't interpret it to mean, "If I put my kids on the
right path, they'll never leave it.” Or, “If I fill them full of Scripture and
Bible lessons and sermons, they may rebel, but they'll eventually return."
The proverb
makes no such promise. Salvation is a work of God. Godly parents can prepare
the soil and sow the seed, but God gives the increase. (1 Cor. 3:6) Show them
the path? Yes. Force them to take it? No. So what does this passage teach
parents? Simply put: to learn to love growing tomatoes, to appreciate the sound
of an accordion, and to take art supplies to canvas, not to the sink. Stated
differently, to view each child as a book, not so much as one to be written,
but as one to be read.
The phrase
"train up" descends from a root word meaning to develop a thirst.
Hebrew midwives awakened the thirst of a newborn by dipping a finger in a bowl
of crushed dates and placing it in the baby's mouth. To "train up,"
then, meant to awaken a thirst. Parents awaken thirst "in the way [the
child] should go." And the small word "in" means "in
keeping with," or "in cooperation with," suggesting that babies
come with pre-programmed hard drives. The American Standard Bible margins this
verse with the phrase "according to his way," and in Hebrew, the word
"way" suggests "manner" or "mode." Look at the
same word in Proverbs 30:18-19: “There are three things which are too wonderful
for me, four which I do not understand: The way
of an eagle in the sky; the way of a
serpent on a rock; the way of a ship
in the middle of the sea; and the way
of a man with a maid.” "Way" refers to a unique capacity or
characteristic, whether it be an eagle, a serpent, a ship or a person. If you
raise your child "in the way he
should go," you attune yourself to your child's inherent characteristics
and inborn distinctives.
The word "way"
can also mean "bent." The psalmist used it to describe the bent, or
bending of a bow: “[God] has bent His bow and made it ready.” (Ps. 7:12) “For,
behold, the wicked bend the bow, they make ready their arrow upon the string to
shoot in darkness at the upright in heart.” (Ps. 11:2) The archer arches the
weapon, setting his aim on a target. And by the time your child is born, God
has done the same. He has already "bent" your child in a certain
direction. He hands you a preset bow that you secure until the day of your
child’s release.
In other words, God
prewired your infant. He scripted your toddler's strengths. He set your teen on
a trajectory. God gave you an eighteen-year (sometimes longer) research
project. So ask yourself, your spouse, and your friends: what sets this child
apart? Childhood tendencies often forecast adult abilities. So, read them; discern
them; affirm them; cheerlead them. For instance, eight-year-old R. G.
Collingwood sat wedged between his father's bookcase and a table, reading, of
all things, Kant's Theory of Ethics.
He later wrote: “As I began reading it, . . . I was attacked by a strange
succession of emotions. . . . I felt that the contents of this book, although I
could not understand it, were somehow my business; a matter personal to myself,
or rather to some future self of my own. . . . I felt as if a veil had been
lifted and my destiny revealed.” His hunch proved accurate. By the time of his
death in 1943, Collingwood had established himself as a distinguished
philosopher with works in metaphysics, religion and aesthetics. Immanuel Kant
entrances few eight-year-olds. But every eight-year-old is entranced by
something.
And that
"something" says something about God's intended future for your child.
Look at Joseph. At seventeen, he interpreted dreams and envisioned himself a
leader. (Gen. 37:2-10) As an adult he interpreted the dreams of Pharaoh, and
led the nation of Egypt. (Gen. 40-41) Young shepherd-boy David displayed two
strengths: fighting and music. He killed a lion and a bear (1 Sam. 17:34-37),
and played the harp with skill. (16:18) What two activities dominated his adult
life? Fighting and music. He killed tens of thousands in battle (29:5), and we still
sing his songs. Even Jesus displayed an early bent.
Where did Joseph
and Mary locate their lost twelve-year-old? "Three days
later they finally discovered him in the Temple, sitting among the religious
teachers, listening to them and asking questions." (Luke 2:46)
Joseph the carpenter didn't find his son chilling with other carpenters, but engaged
among teachers of faith and interpreters of the Torah. Did this early interest
play out later in life? By all means. Even his enemies referred to him as
"Rabbi." (Matt. 26:49)
Jesus, the son
of a carpenter, displayed the heart of a rabbi. In fact, don’t you detect a
mild rebuke in his response to his parents? "And He said to them, 'Why did
you seek Me? Did you not know that I must be about My Father's business?'"
(Luke 2:49) He may have been saying, "You should have seen my bent. I've
been living under your roof for twelve years now. Don't you know my
heart?"
Don't see your
child so much as a blank slate awaiting your pen, but as a written book
awaiting your study. What’s their story? What abilities come easily for them?
At the age of two, master pianist Van Cliburn played a song on the piano as a
result of listening to teaching in the adjacent room. His mother noticed this skill
and began giving him daily piano lessons. Eventually, the little kid from Kilgore,
Texas, won the First International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition in Moscow.
Why? In part because a parent noticed an aptitude and helped a child develop
it. Writer John Ruskin said, "Tell me what you like and I'll tell you what
you are." So what do your children like? What projects capture their
attention? In what topics are they delightfully lost? Numbers? Colors?
Activities? Alert parents ask these questions.
They also ask
about a child’s optimal learning conditions. Pine trees need different soil
than oak trees. A cactus thrives in different conditions than a rosebush. What
about the soil and the environment of your child? Some kids love to be noticed.
Others prefer to hide in the crowd. Some relish deadlines. Others need ample
preparation and help. Some do well taking tests. Others excel at a particular subject,
but stumble through exams. Rush Limbaugh received a “D” in public speaking, but
today he relishes speaking into a radio microphone that attracts an audience of
millions. The West Point algebra entrance exam nearly excluded Omar Bradley
from military life. He squeaked into the academy in the next-to-lowest group,
but went on to earn the rank of a five-star general and oversee thousands of
troops and millions of dollars in World War II. We each have different optimal
conditions. What are your child’s?
Finally, some kids
are born to lead; others are born to follow. When it comes to relationships,
what phrase best describes your child? "Follow me, everyone." Or, "I'll
let you know if I need some help." Maybe, "Can we do this
together?" Or perhaps, "Tell me what to do, and I'll do it."
Don't characterize loners as aloof, or crowd seekers as arrogant. They may just
be living out their story. So find out what gives your child that satisfaction.
Do they love the journey or the goal? Do they like to keep things straight or
straighten things out? What thrills one person bothers another. The apostle
Peter liked to keep the boat steady while Paul was prone to rock it. Childhood
tendencies forecast adult abilities, and you’ve been given a book with no title
– so read it. You’ve been given a CD with no cover – so listen to it. Like an island
with no owner – go explore it. Resist the urge to label before you study.
What story do
you read in your children? Uncommon are the parents who attempt to learn – and blessed
are their children. God doesn't give parents manuscripts to write, but personalities
to decode. Study your kids while you can; it’s not too late. The greatest gift
you can give your children is not your riches, but revealing to them their own.
Grace,
Randy
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